Oh, god, this episode isn't going to end with Mitch stuck in a tree again, is it?

We hear the sound of Phil's heavy breathing. Not to worry, he's just on the elliptical. Like that joke hasn't been made before. Apparently, he made a vow when he got it for Christmas last year that he would walk the equivalent of Los-Angeles-To-Canada on that thing. To impress the ladies, of course. Claire wants to know who the "ladies" are supposed to be. Anyway, he's just short of Poutine-land and is desperate to reach his goal - even if it means running himself into a heart attack, as it appears to be doing. Claire gets a package from Shelley Long her mom, who (like her daughter) is not the greatest gift-giver, sending slippers year after year after year. Haley and Alex fight, again. This time about moving Haley out of her room, which they have chosen to do today. Claire's sad because it violates all her ideals of Christmas sisterly togetherness. Oh, and Haley and Alex are apparently employed at the local shopping centre as elf and Mrs Claus, respectively. Opening credits.

Gloria's mom is visiting, and teaching Gloria all the traditional family recipes. Though Gloria loves her mom, she's getting a little worn out. Manny has murdered Christmas tradition by getting a fibreoptic tree, which breaks Jay's heart. He vows to get a real tree and "save Christmas". Claire arrives to babysit, only to find out that she's not stuck with the baby, but with Gloria's mom.

Mitchell sighs about the advantages of unemployment. Lily makes a cutting remark, of course. He insists that it has less to do with his joblessness and more to do with his early Christmas shopping. Because it's now finished, he can spend time with his lovely, incredibly condescending daughter.

Cam comes in with instructions for Pepper's party, called "The 12 Gays of Christmas" (reluctantly changed from "Feliz Navidude", which I much prefer). Just then, Lily mentions that she's looking forward to her new Puppy Pound tomorrow. And wouldn't you know it, her six-year-old writing skills betrayed her - Cam and Mitch thought she'd asked for a "guppy pond". Now it's a last-minute dash to get Lily her true present and oh my god we've seen this a million times.

And wait, Bryan Cranston directed this? THE Bryan Cranston? What is this world coming to? Will we see Jon Hamm writing for The Big Bang Theory next? I think this just broke television. Even though he's directed for these guys before. Ouch, my brain.

Phil is going into some sort of exercise-induced haze. He's almost to the border, but he's almost out of thigh lube. Luke comes in to tell him he's being stupid. Phil tells him that pride is more important than Christmas. If he doesn't get to Canada, he'll have to throw out the elliptical. This sends panic into Luke's heart, as the elliptical will go into the garage and he's - um - rather neglected his recycling duties lately. The evidence is in said garage. MAD DASH TO - oh, fuck it. He encourages his father to keep going on the Canada run, so he can stay out of that draughty garage. "That's why I'm going to Canada - to avoid the draft!" Phil chirps.

Jay has dragged Manny out to the woods to find something appropriately coniferous. However, when the big moment comes, he can't quite manage to fell the monster, and hurts his back in the process. Smooth.

Gloria returns from shopping to find a happy mom and a slightly peeved Claire. However, they seem to have bonded perfectly - she's even managed to perfectly recreate Great-Granny's recipes. Gloria is outraged.

Lily and Cam are at some charity event, where Lily is greatly saddened to learn of the concept of charity. Mitchell calls with the news that there are no Puppy Pounds, which duh, this is a Christmas episode. What's more, he's still bitter over the Cabbage Patch Doll Incident of 1983, so he's extra-driven. Cam hangs up and critiques a nearby clown, who assures him that he will "get through this". "This" is Cam's perceived homelessness. Yes, instead of raising money for people who need help, this event actually helps people who need help, doling out food and coats. Cam is extremely embarrassed, but he can't just slink away - not when Lily comes up with a Puppy Pound from the toy drive. She then cheerfully tells the woman running the event that she doesn't have a mommy, and the woman sympathetically takes a picture for the group newsletter. Uh-oh.

Phil has decided he's going to die before reaching Canada, so he tries to give Luke all the manly advice fathers should pass on to sons. Luke urges him to press on. While Phil is driving himself into an early grave, Luke pays Dylan to take the recycling away. He returns to find Phil in the last five miles, and tells him to "do what you want, I've got stuff to do". Phil collapses on the bed, sighing about "one more failure".

For some perspective, to run from Los Angeles, CA to Osoyoos, BC - a town on the Canadian border which is more or less directly north of LA - is 1,223 miles. It would take you 401 hours, or just over 16 1/2 days. So Phil should be pretty damn proud of himself. He can at least see the Customs booth. But I digress.

As Phil lies there in agony, he talks about all the things he quit, and how this elliptical in the garage will haunt him forever. Luke feels a twinge of guilt, walks over to his dad and commands him to get up. To help, he suggests that Phil picture the moment of celebration when he reaches his goal. Phil pictures it just as real firecrackers go off outside. Looks like Dylan hit a snag or two.

Haley and Alex are aghast when Santa - horror! - actually dares to take a break from his shitty mall job. Haley volunteers to have people sit on her lap instead, and all the dads line up. Alex goes to find Santa. She chides him over his terrible unprofessionalism, asks that they behave like a normal couple, and begs him to think of the children. Haley explains that Mrs Claus has put on a lot of cookie weight lately.

Mitchell runs into his friend Jotham, who is laden with shopping bags - all for Pepper's party, despite the "No Gifts, Please" label. So Mitchell is sent into yet another shopping frenzy for a dozen or so of his friends. It's times like these when I wish for the good old days of Festivus.

Jay and Manny continue to struggle with the tree, while Jay regales his son about the good ol' days where he and his dad would cut down trees and smoke. Since they live in a Roadrunner cartoon, apparently, they try attaching the tree to the car and driving off, but only succeed in ripping off half the foliage. Jay suggests they "comb it over".

Gloria finds Claire still hanging out with Mom, who is raving about her beauty and fixing up her hair. The jealousy, it is rankled. Claire even manages to best Gloria at headstands - which prompts Gloria to push her over. They start to freak out at each other, whereupon Gloria's mom sits them down like teenagers and gives them a good ol' lecture. Which is hilarious when you consider that Gloria is Claire's stepmother. Gloria makes the mistake of saying that "Claire's not family", which provokes outrage from her mom and hurt from Claire. Eventually, Claire admits that she's jealous of Gloria for having a mother in her life. This prompts an attack from Gloria's mom for disrespecting her mother.

Gloria's mom suggests that Deedee gets the same present every year because Claire liked the gift as a child, and she wants to go back to that time. (Well, okay, but knowing Deedee I'd vote for "lazy".) She continues by telling Claire that mothers never stop needing their little girls. Gloria smiles at this - and in Spanish, she makes her mother promise never to send her slippers.

The parents are flipping out because Santa's been gone for forty-five minutes. Haley disappears into Santa's Workshop to find a disconsolate Alex, who informs her that Santa's done a bunk. "He said he was going for a pack of candy canes," she moans. She's also slugging something from a thermos, which makes me a little concerned. Haley suggests they sneak out, but there's no way to escape the children. Alex mutters about losing even a fake husband. The children storm the workshop like zombies. Haley tells Alex she's not horrible to live with, and they cling to each other in the pandemonium.

Phil is down to the last 100 yards, or "just aboot there". Though he's practically hallucinating and barely remembers how to walk, he reaches his goal! Let's have a round of applause for Phil, and maybe a nice poutine too.

Cam walks out with the Puppy Pound, though the organizer wants them to stay for Christmas dinner. Just as Mitch pulls up, the organizer announces that they've run out of coats and toys, leaving a whole bunch of disappointed kids. Cam tries to hurry away, but as he opens the car, presents spill out. The kids, of course, think they're for them. Telling his fiance that "Lily has enough," Cam grabs the gifts, not realizing that they're for adult men, not six-year-olds. Just as Mitch takes back a Robert Mapplethorpe picture, the kid it briefly belonged to comments that it's okay - he really wanted a Puppy Pound. Without hesitation, Lily hands it over. Cam praises her for her generosity, to which she says it doesn't matter. She'll get one tomorrow.

Cam tries to explain. Fortunately, Mitchell gets a text at that moment - the toy store got a return! And since Phil just happens to live nearby, they'll have him run over and pick it up. This includes running up a non-functioning escalator - which turns on when Phil's halfway up, only to go "down". Phil moans, staring ahead with dead eyes. Speaking of zombies, the Santa's Workshop carnage continues.

Huh. Is it just me, or does that moral seem really broken? Learn a lesson and get your material goods anyway? Ugh, consumerism bugs me.

Jay and Manny have now managed to burn the damn tree, so they decide to give up. However, Manny has one last shot - they use the car jack to knock it over. Jay's van conveniently decides to roll backwards at this point, knocking the tree over at the perfect spot. The half-charred monstrosity is proudly displayed at the Pritchett-Delgado's as proof of their manliness.

Luke talks about the stories behind Christmas things, yada yada yada, we've heard some version of this a million times. Haley and Alex share their room one last time, Jay and Manny trim the tree, Phil gets a t-shirt with a maple leaf on it. Lily gets a Puppy Pound while her dads fist-bump Phil behind her back. Claire opens her box of slippers and gets teary. Everyone poses for the picture in front of the tree (cleverly, the set people have mounted the famous "white" portrait from Season 1 next to Jay). Predictably, they screw it up. It turns out that Luke has used this materialism speech as an excuse for why he can't get rid of the recycling - too many memories. This does not fool Phil and Claire. A temporarily deaf Dylan sits in.

Tag scene: various moments of Phil on the elliptical. Phil trying a Canadian accent on January 6th (it's awful), playing Clive Bixby in February, running backwards and falling off in April, Phil starting a workout and giving up on it sometime in July - and the elliptical remaining unused until Halloween, when he gets on complete with Gandalf outfit.

Well, it was fine enough. Schmaltzy holiday shows are not my favorite thing in the world, and Cam and Mitchell's story was simply fucked up. Claire and Gloria's had a ring of truth and worked well. Jay and Manny's was barely there. However, Phil and the Dunphy kids knocked it out of the park this time. Whether dodging hordes of children or running to Canada without leaving the house, they reliably produced good stories and lots of laughs. With this episode, we officially kick off the onslaught of holiday specials over the next few weeks, culminating in the Downton Abbey/Call the Midwife extravaganza over Christmas itself. Hang on to your Santa hats!

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