We're gonna groove tonight, we'll make you feel all right, Simpsons Christmas Boogie! We're dancing to the beat, we'll make you move your feet, Simpsons Christmas Boogie! Simpsons Christmas Boogie!

We open with our traditional (read: instituted since the new opening) Christmas credits. Snow falls, the town is decorated, Ralph has his tongue stuck to a metal pole. I'd actually recommend rewatching this on freeze frame, because there are lots of delightful little tidbits too numerous to record. Bart, dressed as an elf, writes "I will not call my teacher 'Prancer and 'Vixen'" on the chalkboard. Like previous years, he snowboards home. Homer, meanwhile, works in Santa's workshop. (It still sucks, though.) Instead of accidentally scanning Maggie, Marge accidentally processes her as a gift for the sleigh, though she pops out in time to keep from being delivered to some kid in Arkansas. Lisa plays Christmas stuff in her elf band. Otto smokes a candy cane. Various Springfieldians celebrate Kwanzaa, Chanukah and a Hindu holiday (not sure which one?). Marge and Maggie go home in a sleigh, where they re-enact the Ben-Hur chariot scene with Mr Burns and Smithers. We see a brief glimpse of Angel Edna Krabappel (sigh).

The couch gag (in their gingerbread house) features the Simpson family in the 1890's with the title card "'Twas the Couch Gag Before Christmas". Suprisingly muted, for them - I think maybe they ran out of budget on the splashy credits.

The actual episode opens with the always-welcome Itchy and Scratchy. This week - yes, yes, YES - "It's a Wonderful Knife". Which, coincidentally, is the name of an actual knife store in Springfield. We go to the end of the movie, where Scratchy has decided not to kill himself and runs through the town yelling "Merry Christmas" at things (come on, you know this one). As he gets to Itchy, the mouse strangles him on a string of Christmas lights. He then rips his eye out with a nutcracker. It's gory even for Itchy and Scratchy, and Krusty seems to think so too, because he blocks the screen on his show. Well, at first Krusty thinks it's just overbearing parents trying to shut out the violence, but as he actually watches it, he flips out and tries to cover it even more. That's what you get for never watching your own show sober. Finally, he throws a pie to blur out the camera - but the "technical difficulties" screen features more Itchy and Scratchy.

Bart complains about how much the show sucks, asking why "everything turned to crap". Homer is busy taking the Halloween decorations down. Or more accurately, just covering them with the Christmas decorations. For the record, I'd like a movie monster Nativity scene.

Kent Brockman interrupts them with a news bulletin that global warming has ruined Christmas. This year, there will be no snow anywhere in the US, including Alaska. As a Canadian living in Russia, I say BULLSHIT, but the Simpsons are captivated. We get a montage of burning hot America, including sweating carolers and snowy owls who have no camouflage. Marge sadly puts the winter clothes away, but just as she does so - a few flakes begin to fall! No shit! Before long, a blizzard has engulfed the town. Everyone rejoices.

Frink explains that only Springfield has the snow - it's a problem with the local climate thanks to the power plant and tire fire. Basically, they have a nuclear winter. Why no one is vomiting or covered with sores is anyone's guess. Quimby immediately takes this as a new tourism idea. Soon enough, everyone happily prepares to overcharge their fellow man. Jeez, who knew snow at Christmas was that important? In my nook of Canada, we have about 50/50 white vs green Christmases and no one cares.

The tourists arrive and everyone goes into overdrive. Apu and Manjula even have the octuplets valet parking. However, it's crowded and the stores are facing shortages - some definite disadvantages to the tourist boom. With a sinking heart, Marge realizes that the family won't be able to afford a proper Christmas. Just as she starts to despair, a man pulls up and asks if he and his family could have a room for the night, since all the hotels are booked solid. Marge decides to take them in. "Oh, good, Marge remarried after I died," Homer says upon seeing the guests - until he realizes he's not dead. Oh, Homer, you crazy man, you.

Once he figures out the situation, he's mad at the unexpected people, but Marge points out the financial advantages. In fact, she's advertising their house as a B&B. Er, don't you need a license for that? To clinch the deal, she asks Homer to think of what Baby Jesus would do. Cue a hilarious montage of Baby Jesus going to hotel management school, working his way up through the ranks, getting a small business loan, and finally buying and fixing up that cute Victorian on the other side of town. He also has the advantage of being able to conjure up breakfast at will. I admit it - I lol'd. Homer agrees, by the way.

Bart, acting as bellhop, takes out his more violent Christmas games - at least he didn't shoplift these - and lets the under-12 guests into the living room, now rechristened a daycare centre.

With the out-of-towners decidedly unimpressed by his church, a worried Rev. Lovejoy writes the Christmas sermon to end all Christmas sermons. He prays for one last burst of inspiration from God, saying they "don't have Mormon money", and eventually comes out with a whopper. The sermon gets off to a rocky start, but he eventually gets his audience by tell them that Christmas is not about 2000 years ago, but about what we do for people now. (Take THAT, Palin.) At one point doves even fly out of his sleeves, where apparently they just kind of spontaneously grew. He encourages the locals to "give with your hearts, give with your acts". Right on, Rev. Lovejoy. Right fucking on. You're ineffectual about 95% of the time, but when you're on, you're ON. You know you've made it when both Lisa and Flanders are cool with it.

In fact, Lisa has been bemoaning the money craze this Christmas (wait, isn't that the reason you, you know, left Christianity and became a Buddhist?) and decides to turn things around. We also get the very un-Lisa statement: "When a woman talks, she just wants to be heard." For shame, writers.

Marge is overwhelmed by her guests' demands. They are needy and constantly complaining, driving her to distraction. The B&B is falling apart at the cracks...

Lisa has decided to give "presents with a purpose" this year, which will help her family to become better people, I guess. However, this generally includes gifts people hate, like a program to help Maggie kick her pacifier addiction. She then finds the "perfect gift" for Bart...

...but we don't get to see it, because we cut to Christmas Eve. The guests are singing, but Marge is falling apart. Also, one of the guests sounds strangely like Maude Flanders. Witness Protection, maybe? What could Maude have seen...

Anyway, Marge snaps at the guests, Homer's upcoming Santa performance is abruptly cancelled, and everyone storms out while Grampa plays a ditty on the piano.

The guests calm down in time for Christmas day, but the family is still frazzled. Bart momentarily delights his sister by giving her an Angelica Button robe and wand (Button is the Simpsons universe's Harry Potter rip-off, which is weird because they also have actual Harry Potter, and for a Halloween episode briefly were Harry Potter). Lisa, meanwhile, screws it all up.

After pompously declaring that her presents will totally save their Christmas, she doles her gifts out. She got Homer seeds to plant (though he thought it was weed at first, and so did all the viewers). He's delighted until he finds out it's radishes. Dude, half the vegetable-haters I know love radishes. What planet are you on? But Lisa, coded weight-loss messages are really not cool. Maggie covers herself in "pacifier patches" and seems to get a fix. Bart gets "Treasure Island", which we all know he didn't read back in "Bart Gets an F" (Season 2), so why would he try it now? Oh right - his sister thinks he needs to be smarter. Marge, apparently, doesn't get any present, or at least we don't see it. Lisa, Lisa - December 25th is the last time you should get cause-y. 

Anyway, Bart gets mad and yells at her, and she runs crying to her room, which outrages the guests. Apparently, they didn't expect kids to be kids for some reason. Weird pseudo-Maude upbraids Marge for ruining the Christmas they crashed.

That night, Lisa looks out her bedroom window to see Bart burning his Christmas gift. She's devastated to see this, of course, and asks Bart why the hell he's doing this. I'd like to know that too, Bart - even for you, that's pretty damn low. Bart counters by asking her why she gave it in the first place - because she thought he'd like it, or out of some form of self-improvement? Flanders, somewhat creepily, appears in the backyard in his pajamas to tell them the true meaning of Christmas. GTFO creepy dude. Homer, of course, yells at him to shut up from the bedroom. So Flanders just leaves. Huh? What was that all about?

The guests all leave, and Lisa tells Bart he was right about her poorly-conceived gift plan. To compensate, she went out (Boxing Day shopping, I guess? I don't think America has that) and got him a Tablet. It has books in case he wants to get S-M-R-T, but also apps and all kinds of fun things for his amusement.

Wait, wait, since when can an eight-year-old afford a tablet? She explains - she sold her Angelica Button stuff, which probably went for thousands on eBay. To illustrate her point, she opens up an eBook on Bart's computer - "The Gift of the Magi". However, he thinks she's trying to tell him it's from Maggie. He, in turn, gives her the money he earned in the Simpson B&B and tells her to donate it to "whatever hopeless cause you want". Sibling relationship patched!

Marge apologizes to her guests for flipping out and thanks them for coming. They seem mad, but then spontaneously break into Christmas carols. The Simpsons happily join in. Closing credits. The music continues over the titles, but Marge keeps shutting them down. Baby Jesus denies his own parents room at his inn - though Mary is pregnant, so I dunno, was this the rejected Baby Jesus Vista or something? We also see a bunch of out-of-state license plates, which I suppose correspond to real American plates, but I'm too tired to put them together now.

This episode had some really nice gags and one-liners, a definite improvement on their most recent offerings. The opening credits were marvelous. I liked Lisa's story, showing a genuine mistake and the bad reactions that can unravel a Christmas in seconds. Haven't we all seen a Christmas like that at some point? The resolution was pretty cool, too. It wasn't a great episode. There were lots of loose threads and characters out of character and all the stuff we've grown used to in the past ten years or so. As a Simpsons Christmas special, it wasn't a classic, but it was a fun way to bring in the season - and that's enough.

Tomorrow, How I Met Your Mother will be the last recap before a holiday break. I will recap the Christmas specials for Downton and Call the Midwife. The premieres and returns in January might be a tad late, since I don't return from Israel until January 8th, but they will get done! Next season: all the usuals, plus Call the Midwife, Girls and Mad Men!

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