This, I assume, is the Glengarry Glen Ross of the closet industry, right? At the very least, we might see Claire assume the cutthroat role you know she was born for. Spinoff, maybe?

Cam and Mitch argue about Lily's schedule, which is as overpacked as any modern child's. In fact, Cam has scheduled it so that Lily will miss her talent show - because she has no talent and will humiliate herself. Mitchell thinks she's just a seven-year-old. Cam counters with a list of his myriad childhood talents. Meanwhile, Lily does not miss a beat and asks about her talent show. Mitchell pushes her and Cam into rehearsing. He receives the biggest glare ever. The family gets into a fight, all directly on the note of C (well, Lily's a bit off key). Opening credits.

Gloria is trying to wean Joe off the binky, a thought that still strikes terror into the heart of parents everywhere. Luke, Phil and Claire arrive to go swimming. Jay and Claire will later be filming a commercial for the closet company. They're worried about the rival company's commercial. Claire has a really cool concept for theirs, but Jay just wants to remake his cheesy '80s ad, whose slogan is the title of this episode. At least we get to see Ed O'Neill dressed up like Miami Vice. Jay is under the mistaken impression that this made them local legends. Claire sees things a bit differently.

Haley, Andy, and Guy of the Week, (I think we've seen him before but I can't be bothered to identify him) go to the boardwalk for a fun afternoon. Three's a crowd, to say the least. Andy is still a younger Phil. He also has a pain in his belly, which I assume will become an appendectomy in about five minutes. Haley's guy, Chase, doesn't seem up to much in life. Meanwhile, Andy's girlfriend is probably still fake.

While sunbathing, Gloria is bothered by a remote control plane. Phil, still crushing madly on her, decides to come to her rescue. Through a series of mishaps with a net, Phil gets pants - and I mean really pantsed - in front of Manny, Luke and Gloria. Of course, there's a priceless one-liner to finish the scene.

Cam has decided to improve Lily's act, which translates to completely taking it over. And I must say, for a music teacher he kind of sucks at music. Mitchell correctly deduces that Cam is afraid of himself being humiliated, not Lily. In particular, it involves Andrew, the snotty choir director who forced Cam out of a holiday chorus. Mitchell tells him to grow up. Disturbingly, they have this entire argument in front of Lily. That kid's going to grow up healthy for sure.

Haley complains to Gloria about her boring date. Gloria, meanwhile, has her hands full with hysterical Joe. Meanwhile, the remote control plane turns out to be a photo-drone, whose owner has subsequently uploaded the footage of Phil's pantsing to YouTube. Phil vows revenge. Gloria gets a text that Andy has the completely unexpected appendicitis attack foreshadowed about three seconds ago.

They film the commercial, which I think is somewhat similar to the experience of filming The Room. Jay can't act. Claire despairs. So does the director. The publicity people take Claire aside to tell her that Jay's idea sucks. Essentially, Claire has to fire her dad.

Cameron and Andrew have their first petty kerfuffle. It turns out he was recently married to Simon - Mitchell's nemesis. Everyone is a total asshole to each other. Casual racism is thrown around. Mitchell and Cameron decide, probably wisely, to get Lily out of the show before Satan's gay emissaries destroy her self-confidence forever.

Phil sets up an elaborate plan to destroy the drone, which inexplicably includes Luke in a bikini. Actually, he's a rather pretty girl. He winds up getting blasted by paint bombs for his efforts. They chase the drone on bikes, and wind up crashing into a truck, but somehow none of them die. Phil does wind up pantsed (and YouTubed) again, though.

Cam and Mitch continue to debate whether or not to remove Lily from the show. However, when they see her calmly waiting for the show to begin, they realize they can't break her spirit. After a huge star of a child, complete with sob story, performs, Lily decides that she can't follow that kind of act. Cam and Mitch escort her out, but not before Cam makes sure that their nemeses are leaving, too.

WTF is up with Claire's hair this episode? Anyway, she tries to break the news to her dad gently. Jay is horrified that everyone thinks he's grumpy, including his entire family. It makes him even grumpier. Haley goes to visit Andy, who is high on a bunch of meds and keeps insisting Beth is real. Haley gives him a speech about what real love is, which basically serves as a confession of feelings. Sarah Hyland kills it. It turns out he was talking about Beth Israel Hospital, where his insurance is based. Oh, yeah, and Beth comes waltzing in. She exists, aaaand there goes Haley's heart. Andy's, too, from the look of it.

Gloria despairs that Joe will never get over the binky. Jay comes home, behaving overly cheerfully. Seriously, we're talking Pennywise the Clown kind of stuff. The entire family is freaked out and agree that he should stay his normal grumpy self. Jay is hugely offended, and goes off to drink. Claire apologizes. They go on about aging and grumpiness. Jay admits that his dad was a huge grouch, and he doesn't want to be like that. Claire assures him he will never get there. Meanwhile, Phil fights the last battle of the Drone Wars. Jay sees an occasion and rises to it. With a football, an AirSoft gun and some water balloons, they manage to bring it down. Though in fact - it was Gloria with a dart gun. (And by the way, Joe is never going to stop crying.)

Tagline - the family all suggests pitches for the new closet slogan. They're all terrible and great.

Cam and Mitch? Pretty par for the course. The Drone War? Hilarious. And Jay and Claire had some great resonance at the end of the episode. But overall, there was very little here that stood out. After last week's triumph, it was a bit of a letdown. But hey - you can't win 'em all. Insert joke about closets here.

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