Tia Levings: A Well-Trained Wife (new book)

[Howl]

Tia Levings' book, A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy is being released tomorrow, Aug. 6, 2024  Amazon link.

Yup, violence and domestic discipline abuse in a quiverfull fundamentalist marriage in a CREC church. She left that marriage and came out on the other side to write this book. 

“Today it hit me when he hit me, blood shaking in my brain. Maybe there wasn’t a savior coming. Maybe it was up to me to save me.”

Recruited into the fundamentalist Quiverfull movement as a young wife, Tia Levings learned that being a good Christian meant following a list of additional life principles––a series of secret, special rules to obey. Being a godly and submissive wife in Christian Patriarchy included strict discipline, isolation, and an alternative lifestyle that appeared wholesome to outsiders. Women were to be silent, “keepers of the home.”

 

[keen23]

I've listened to her speak on the A Little Bit Culty podcast, and she's wonderful. I'm very excited to read her book.

[Hane]

I preordered it on Kindle and can’t wait for the download to arrive!

[LongTimeLurkerOG]

The book was very good. But, definite TW for DV survivors. (and other survivors) She writes as if you're living through it with her, which is difficult (for this survivor anyway) to read. I posted somewhat recently about Tia's book. 

Edited August 6 by LongTimeLurkerOG
Added hyperlink

[Audrey2]

Tia Leving was also on a couple of episodes of Cults to Consciousness. Here is her first episode. 

 

[Hane]

So many parts of this book will leave you shaken.

Her story contains so many encounters with the toxic teachings of far too many of our fundie “favorites”: Bill Gothard and the IBLP, Steve and Teri Maxwell. Debi and Michael Pearl, Doug Phillips, Doug Wilson, and others I can’t think of at the moment. I sat there astounded at all the familiar names and terms—I don’t think there was a single one that would be unfamiliar to any of us here.

[marmalade]

I'm curious about what she had to say about the Maxwells. I always thought they were pretty niche. 

[indianabones]

5 hours ago, marmalade said:

I'm curious about what she had to say about the Maxwells. I always thought they were pretty niche. 

She briefly mentioned using their Managers of Their Homes book. That's about it.

[Caroline]

For my retirement I specifically said, "No gifts please!".  So my friends, who paid no attention to my request,gave me hundreds of dollars in Barnes and Noble gift cards.  Great friends/poor listeners🙂  Anyway, I'll be buying this book.

Edited August 8 by Caroline

[Giraffe]

I'm listening to the audiobook. The text is lovely. I don't care for how she's reading it though. She reads out part of a sentence, pauses, and then finishes it. It makes me think it's like reading a post by Kaylee with all her out of place commas. The content is good though. I'm only about half an hour in. 
 

Side note: Randy Rainbow is another person whose (hardcopy) book I enjoyed but Randy reading the audiobook was awful. I'm still listening to Tia's book (on 1.5 speed) whereas I couldn't listen long to Randy reading his book. 

Edited August 8 by Giraffe

[indianabones]

Totally BEC, I know, but did it bother anyone else that she named her eldest son William and her youngest Liam?

[Giraffe]

19 minutes ago, indianabones said:

Totally BEC, I know, but did it bother anyone else that she named her eldest son William and her youngest Liam?

I forget they're the same name. 

[Red Hair, Black Dress]

Most people think of them as different names -- and it's entirely possible as subjugated as she was by her husband she had no voice in her sons' naming.

[Jasmar]

I mostly loved the book. Her writing is some of the best I’ve read, especially with memoirs. But a couple of things left me feeling a little ambivalent.

First, (tw for animal abuse) 

Quote

I’m not sure how these work, so I’ll add a line or two… (expand to see)

 

 

 

 

 

…when she described the cats and kittens, and killing them. It was so callous, and she really seemed to hate the cats in a way that she didn’t feel about the many dogs and puppies that were also there. I know she was deeply traumatized herself, and if she’d described the dogs similarly, it wouldn’t have bothered me as much, or been so upsetting. But that was a gut punch, and I read the rest with some real reservations.

Second, the ending chapter or two. She insists, several times, that when you’re ready to rescue yourself, the universe will catch you. No. Not, it will not. If you’re lucky to have family and friends, internet friends, a supportive faith community: those people will catch you. Maybe. If you’re lucky. For those of us without those things? Let me just give my own experience real quick: you’ll, be ten years free, still living with a constantly hyperactivated nervous system because you’re now disabled, two of your three kids are now disabled, you’re only remaining off the streets because of the intermittent kindness of one old friend… I could go on, but I don’t really want this to be about me, I just wanted to show by example. And there have been thousands of women and children who weren’t even as lucky as I’ve been

So I have mixed feelings. I really hate the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” message when no one really does that. They escape and recover with help, help that many, many people do not have access to.

Edited August 10 by Jasmar
Didn’t hide tw material well enough

[Caroline]

3 hours ago, Jasmar said:

I mostly loved the book. Her writing is some of the best I’ve read, especially with memoirs. But a couple of things left me feeling a little ambivalent.

First, (tw for animal abuse) 

Second, the ending chapter or two. She insists, several times, that when you’re ready to rescue yourself, the universe will catch you. No. Not, it will not. If you’re lucky to have family and friends, internet friends, a supportive faith community: those people will catch you. Maybe. If you’re lucky. For those of us without those things? Let me just give my own experience real quick: you’ll, be ten years free, still living with a constantly hyperactivated nervous system because you’re now disabled, two of your three kids are now disabled, you’re only remaining off the streets because of the intermittent kindness of one old friend… I could go on, but I don’t really want this to be about me, I just wanted to show by example. And there have been thousands of women and children who weren’t even as lucky as I’ve been

So I have mixed feelings. I really hate the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” message when no one really does that. They escape and recover with help, help that many, many people do not have access to.

This reminds me of when people say, "God will never give you more than you can handle." If that were true no one would die by suicide.

[Jasmar]

Yes! Exactly. It had that same vibe to me. It makes me sad, because it’s such an amazing book otherwise. I worry about anyone reading who now feels even worse about themselves because they’re still trapped, because they know there’s no one out there waiting to catch them.

[Smee]

Oh that's such a shame that she ends it like that. It's never that simple. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have a reasonably wealthy family who were willing to help out when it counted, access to socialised healthcare in my country, a car that I could drive to the food bank, a good education, a church community that gifted me things like a fridge (delivered) etc. Most people are desperate to rescue themselves, but we have to CREATE the universe that catches them.

[LongTimeLurkerOG]

On 8/8/2024 at 11:24 AM, Giraffe said:

I'm listening to the audiobook. The text is lovely. I don't care for how she's reading it though. She reads out part of a sentence, pauses, and then finishes it. It makes me think it's like reading a post by Kaylee with all her out of place commas. The content is good though. I'm only about half an hour in. 
 

Side note: Randy Rainbow is another person whose (hardcopy) book I enjoyed but Randy reading the audiobook was awful. I'm still listening to Tia's book (on 1.5 speed) whereas I couldn't listen long to Randy reading his book. 

As a survivor, it could be difficult to read aloud, deal with memories/ flashbacks/PTSD.

I "caught" myself (because I was already paying for most everything) But had to get another job during this time last year and fortunately had a good support system emotionally once I started talking about what I went through. Good help from some local resources but not all (some agencies dropped the ball but overall, good law enforcement and legal), other resources - support, unemployment, etc; and the county is overburdened with more cases now too. But I got through it, still going through it to some extent, but much better (meds help a lot, just my opinion, for me), and I like helping / educating others in a not obnoxious way (but I don't have too many fucks to give any more LOL) , but also don't define myself or "all about it " as far as living my life. So long as they leave me alone... POS... Ok I've rambled long enough. Tia is super nice, you can Messenger her (only couple times, on my end), though she takes occasional SM breaks. 

Edited August 14 by LongTimeLurkerOG
Grammar, typos <sigh> .. lol and clarity

[LongTimeLurkerOG]

On 8/10/2024 at 12:57 AM, indianabones said:

Totally BEC, I know, but did it bother anyone else that she named her eldest son William and her youngest Liam?

Check out the (ongoing) shit show of the Batesessssss, if you haven't seen it yet, and people losing their Minds over Erin and Lawson naming their respective kids LOL

[Howl]

Just checked my library

• 35 holds on 1 e-book  
• 44 holds on 2 audiobooks
• The book is on order; 16 holds on 6 copies

I believe it's also available on Libby with significant waits. 

[Coconut Flan]

I have 15 week wait which is fine as I'm not sure I'm up for yet another I left fundamentalism tale.  A lot of these ditching religion autobiographies start sounding the same to me.

[EmainMacha]

On 8/16/2024 at 3:49 PM, Coconut Flan said:

I have 15 week wait which is fine as I'm not sure I'm up for yet another I left fundamentalism tale.  A lot of these ditching religion autobiographies start sounding the same to me.

I agree with you! I've read lots and they're very similar generally. But I did find this book different in some ways. It touches on areas we don't hear as much about, particularly the area of 'domestic discipline'. It's not as unique as 'Uneducated' but then Tia Levings herself points out her story isn't unique. I read Shannon Harris' book straight after and, while it's a good book, it felt more in the mould of other leaving fundamentalism autobiographies.

 

[Coconut Flan]

I so do not need to read about domestic discipline.  That's going to dredge up ghastly childhood memories I usually manage to keep well buried.

[Ashley Ocean]

On 8/16/2024 at 9:49 AM, Coconut Flan said:

I have 15 week wait which is fine as I'm not sure I'm up for yet another I left fundamentalism tale.  A lot of these ditching religion autobiographies start sounding the same to me.

That's how I feel. I just can't bring myself to read another one right now.

[LongTimeLurkerOG]

1 hour ago, Ashley Ocean said:

That's how I feel. I just can't bring myself to read another one right now.

I liked the book and support Tia, but couldn't finish it because it was triggering me. Just now, a year out. Maybe later I can try again.

*Granted, lots of things are still triggering... but it is what it is, no schedule on these things though it gets better, more manageable -ish. Support helps, too. And for me, talking about it. 

Edited August 22 by LongTimeLurkerOG
more context